It hit me today: I’m a senior. Come this time next year I’m going to be in college. Maybe the one two hours away or the one with my sister, maybe I’ll be doing Chem homework and wanting to cry. And it scares me. It scares me to the point where sitting in that fetal position crying for mommy seems really good. Why did it hit me today? Because I visited a college I could see myself in (and bought a book). It wasn’t like last year when I was a Junior. Pshh, I still had about two months left of school and another five till Senior year.
I’ve got time. I’ve got no time. Senior year is more than just being able to wear any a sweater with my uniform, it’s growing up. I apologize for my “I don’t wanna grow up, I wanna be a Toys’R’Us kid” speech.
When I was younger all my book characters were older. I was in 7th grade reading about a kid in High School. Then I was that kid in high school reading about teens and being their age. I felt like a badass. Yeah, I wasn’t. Questionable times those early high school years… But now half the time I’m reading books and the characters are younger. It is crazy. One minute I’m 15 and all these characters are so much older, then all of a sudden I’m 17 and wondering what the hell happened. This reason for this mental breakdown would be that I went out to B&N after all that college mumbo jumbo and bought the print copy of Wait for You by J.Lynn. (Cam on paper is like having Four in my bedroom: so much better.) It’s considered to be New Adult, which is like upper YA. As I was holding Wait for You in my car, just looking at it, I realized New Adult has turned into a lifeline for me. My thought process in my car was almost like this: “So I’m reading books that are almost YA, but not, and it may say Adult but the characters are in their 20s or so. Works for me. Forever young.” All that just by holding ONE book. YA books were basically my entire life growing up. I had all the romance and action I needed. Then of course one book turned into 200 and now I’m wondering what happened. When did I become a Senior? Time does fly by. I wish it didn’t.
It scares me growing up. The future. As a kid, I never thought about how my age would catch up with those characters, how opening up a book doesn’t slow down the aging process (although I wish it did). These book genres have basically made me scared but excited for growing up. I don’t think people realize how huge books are to you as you grow up. I’m actually aging out of my genre and looking into new ones. Change is scary, but it is also good. But I will always need YA. Yes, I’m a senior and it scares me because I don’t want to grow up, but YA will always be with me. I haven’t come to some epiphany within the last five hours and this mini rant doesn’t end with my accepting the fact that I will be 18 next month, but I understand. Understanding is what’s important. So maybe next year I will be crying over Chem, but there’s more to every scenario.
Which leads me to this: did anyone feel how I am right now? Shocked and scared and wondering what happened to being a teenager? Why is this word college thrown around? Please tell me I’m not alone.
PS: I can’t wait to read this a year from now. Maybe then I’ll write about what I actually am doing at this time. Hi me. Please tell me all those future books are awesome…